By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller
Tourists who squeeze they entire posse in we tiny pay bus does burn me. Hello, vacation is to spend money. “WhEn Is ThE BuS cOmInG?” When your rental coming?! Yuh cheap vacation booking, no budget having, bad tipping modda–
On a serious, people playing music through speakers does annoy me too. Even when they have a half-good tune, their cheap speakers mess the whole vibe up.
A day there I was so wex with these Pay Bus DJs™, I decided the next person to play music through their speakers gonna get embarrassed.
Boom. Bam. This man come blasting music at the bus stop. And, like usual, the bus driver ain’t reprimand him.
Mans could be plotting to roll up on a John who shorted he bottom ho (#TrueStory) and drivers ain’t doing squat ‘cause they pay bus fare.
Which reminds me. Dear regional tourists: Congrats on your wholesale hustle or whatever, but you’re on a business trip — spend the five dollars and get a gipsy taxi. Your woven square bags filled with rainbow coloured, discounted polyester taking up ten seats! All squeezed up in a corner sweating.
But back to this man blasting terrible music from he rickety speaker. I really wanted to curse him and his church songs out.
My friends said to play satanic music. Obviously, I was getting new friends because I rather be alone in heaven than hotting up hell with the homies.
Cursing out religious people for sharing their faith — even if they are doing it in the most annoying way — is not a good look.
Me ain’t disrespecting no one’s faith ‘cause there’s always a chance my beliefs are wrong. I ain’t risking The One True God™’s wrath over music.
Some “friends” suggested taking a taxi since I hated the bus so much.
Ever take a taxi 15-minute ride and the bill, excluding tip, is 15 years wage? That does just mess up the whole vibe. How am I supposed to enjoy Becky’s party when I done spent more on taxi than I was willing to spend on dinner and a gift?! See how my presence is a present?
I gave the Pay Bus DJ a taste of their own medicine by interrupting his Jamie Grace with Kirk Franklin and his bomb brass section. He responded with some whispering Christian Pop. I upped my volume and blasted TobyMac. (Yeah, I got that good Christian hip-hop.)
Here’s the thing: Our speakers were equally weak. But since I was sitting at the front of the bus, people entering had no context and gave me all the dirty looks.
They didn’t know he started it first and that I was trying to teach him a lesson. No, all they saw was two locos having a gospel music battle on the bus.
Shout out to the people wearing earbuds but their music still bleads out, at least you’re trying. And if you’re not trying, may the Ghost of Hearing Loss Future visit you soon.
Photo by Elizabeth McQuern
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com
