By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller
Roberto helped a granny board the bus. “Rebecca, you got a dollar?” She was frail, wore thick eyeglasses, and dragged a heavy cart. Yo, don’t butter up the elderly just to beg for pocket change – aim for their wills!
Newbies always go for billionaires, but the Common Granny™ has fewer babies (grand or sugary) fighting to be their insurance beneficiary.
With the number of sugar babies Oprah’s juggling, she likely only gives watches and shoes. Thought you were milking Big O for five large? Nah, she’s been copping your gifts wholesale at sweatshop prices.
Don’t scorn grandma’s lil $200. Sugaround ‘til your harem of grannies grows to five. Now you’ve bagged a grand. And if yuh get it all in cash, dash it from da taxman.
“…The dang state took my kids ‘cause of my personal issues,” said Roberto. Wow, missing your kids’ entire childhood is a terribly genius plan.
Here’s my master plan for retiring with less than ten years of working:
Cuddle them baby toes for max five years. Then invent some ‘personal issues’ that require state intervention. (Fun stuff, like, become homeless and leave them in the car during a job interview.) After two-ish decades of carefree childless bliss, reunite via LinkedIn.
What? Reconnecting with problematic people is counterproductive. Facebook shows who is fun; LinkedIn shows who’s responsible.
Next, prove you’ve overcome those ‘personal issues’ and build trust by watching your grandkids. (Yay, more cuddly wuddly baby toes!) If your family resists, keep offering. That “free” childcare will get your lil grannies to love you so much that they guilt their parents — et voilà l’argent.
Yes, active parenting is work. So…
Grannyhard ‘til your harem of lil grannies grows to five. Now you’ve bagged a grand. And if yuh get it all in cash? Exactly. Dash it from da taxman!
Roberto insisted the state had his situation all wrong. “I’m getting myself straight so that I can have my kids ‘cause their momma ain’t sh!t.”
S N I F F !
Roberto used Rebecca’s dollar to SNORT CRACK COCAINE ON DA BUS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!! If he’s the ‘good’ parent, what the heck is mom doing?!
The worst my parents did was not buying a Polly Pocket village because I got 98% instead of 100% for 4th-grade Maths. #JusticeForOnicia
And if we’re talking about on the bus, the worst thing my parents ever did was ride it – not snort drugs and air we family business.
Roberto overturned a small snuff tube, tapped the contents onto the back of his hand for another bump. Rebecca patted his shoulder. Yes, a perfect moment for some elderly sage advice. “You want some of these new pills I got?”
“Nah.” And then he handed back her dollar.
Shout out to all the good parents who don’t let personal issues get in the way of cuddly baby toes or pensions.
Photo by Elizabeth McQuern
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com
