By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller
I was excited about the shared condo with a pool until the landlord revealed ongoing renovations, restricted me to the garage entrance, and “advised” me to avoid the doorman at all costs. Was there a pool? Did he even own the unit? I snatched the key fob and wheeled in my suitcases.
Sharing a condo was cool until this couple moved in. The man was mum. The woman questioned me like she wuk Immigration.
For those who don’t know, in apartments, you lock your doors and mind your business. But in condos, people want to know everything about everyone.
You’re on Google Maps when BOOM a fullscreen pop up appears: “MAy I sEE yOUr kEy And LEAsE?” No, you can’t, Linda! ‘Cause I’m in my apartment. Go lock your doors and mind your business!
However, because this was a shared condo and I have manners, I asked why they were in Canada.
“Business,” said the guy. Business? He placed a firm grip on her leg. He’s mute. She’s mute. We stare at each other.
A young couple with foreign accents travels in the middle of the night without luggage to do business? She might have thought this was a condo, but he was definitely giving me apartment vibes.
I hit ‘em with the yawn and stretch, head to my room, and locked the door before being murdered for knowing too much.
The next morning, the woman’s brown hair was dyed red, and she insisted on hanging out together so we could have some “fun experiences.” Her’s was a poorly set trap because even I knew that couples hate third wheels.
We swear besties before testes but soon as we catch a hottie’s eye, we ghost da squad and go full Taylor Swift: “You belong with meEe!”
Was she a sex trafficking victim? Late-night arrival. No luggage. Drastically changed looks in 24 hours. No, they were clearly criminals on the run.
GASP! Cheap rent. White walls. Black couch. A revolving door of single female tenants. I bet the only “fun experience” they had planned was a sexy Romanian threesome?!
Hunting cheap rent on Craigslist was dumb. Got a “shared condo with pool” for $150 and now it was time to pay the piper with a blow job!
Youth pastors: Which scripture do you quote in this situation? ‘Yea though I walk through the valley of cheap rent, I will fear no sex act’?
It was too early to pull another yawn and stretch. Sensing my panic, Roberto explained that they were Romanian Jews attempting a quick divorce in Canada. Finally knowing the truth allowed me to relax and while exploring Toronto with my new friends.
Shout out pornographers who check IDs and confirm that all talent is sober when signing consent and release forms.
Photo by Elizabeth McQuern
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com
