By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller
I read a headline: “I want to break up with my boyfriend, but we’re self-isolating together.” Wow. I get that marriage and dating can be tough, but I can’t relate to people who claim to be ‘stuck’ in a relationship.
Is your partner holding a gun to your head?
I had a friend whose partner was sponsoring their way through school. “I’m going to leave as soon as our lease is up.” Five leases later and they still living together.
Forget a credit score, how bad is your stroke and rub, your peg and blow– Yup, I said it. How bad is your peg and blow that you can’t find new housing?
There was no way to know how long this coronavirus pandemic would last or when the next one will be, but we do know when our lease is up. So, if your relationship sucks, hop on that Grindr, Tinder, and LinkedIn app and find yous someone who is photogenic, DTF, and gainfully employed.
Actually, if you’re in a bind, focus on dating anyone who has a spare pillow. Live-in parents? Fifteen roommates? Go with who’s available!
And a pandemic is the perfect time to monkey-bar into a new relationship. If the new lover asks why you only text at odd hours, say you were procrastinating on work.
No more expensive restaurants or boring cultural activities that make you appear intellectual; Now, we’re limited to free video chat and sexting, which is perfect because hoes love a good old-fashioned courtship.
If you’re not smooth with the words, hire a freelance writer. Hell, shoot me an email (HeyOnicia[at]OniciaMuller[dot]com), and I’ll do all the smooth-talking for you.
Comedians get all the sex, not ‘cause we’re cute or rich, but because we got smarts and personality. (Insert rainbow sparkle sound effect)
There are too many stories of people who move in together after the first date. So, it can’t be that hard to find someone, start an affair, and scam them into thinking you’re good for half the rent.
In fact, I read of a couple who met on a dating app and their first date was hitchhiking through multiple countries.
I can hear you protesting, “Onicia, that’s not a date, that’s human trafficking.” And that’s why yous lonely, Linda.
Look, it might be human trafficking, but my point remains that even if you have two weeks until your lease renewal, that’s more than enough time to slip out of your current relationship and slide into some new and worse form of crazy.
Wait, you thought you’d get a better relationship?
Pahahaha, you moved in with someone after only knowing them via text message, of course, that relationship is gonna end in a restraining order. If you’re lucky, we’ll see you on Judge Judy instead of Divorce Court.
Shout out to the customer service reps who be keeping those fake online dating profiles alive. If it weren’t for you, many of us would be ‘single.’
Photo by Elizabeth McQuern
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com
