By Caribbean Comedian Onicia Muller
The morning devotional had me on a spiritual high. I wanted to be like Jesus, so I hopped the fence and ditched class. Skipping school to go to the library is like calling in sick to your job for an internship that doesn’t offer college credit.
I was in the kiddie section speed-reading a romance novel because no one wants to be caught holding books that are one thousand per cent drenched in lady juices.
Near closing time, a little Jamaican girl started sobbing. Rebecca couldn’t finish her report because she didn’t have a library card and was unable to return before her deadline.
Perfect! This was why the Holy Spirit told me to skip school. I was preordained to be the hands, feet, and library card of Jesus! “Here, use mine and finish your project. Just return the book when you’re done.”
To prove her honesty, Rebecca jotted down her mother’s cell number. We sealed the deal and checked out the book.
As she ran for the bus, Lil Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce beamed like she just got a hot plate of ackee and saltfish for free. I smiled because I’d just added another jewel to my crown.
Don’t you love that cozy-wozy feeling of secretly knowing you’re on the fast track to heaven – just envision your glorified body speeding past others on the celestial highway. Mmm, ‘set your minds on things above’ indeed.
Lil Jamrock didn’t cross my mind until the next week when the librarian said I had one book checked out. No worries, she still had seven days.
“You still haven’t returned that book.” Bruh, you ain’t no mob goon. It’s one book. The librarian acted all tight like loan extensions ain’t a thing. Clickity-clack. Problem solved.
I kept “re-solving” my problem until I couldn’t. The library wanted their book. I ain’t no snitch, but my only options were to pay the fine or return the book. I called Rebecca’s mom because I needed my allowance for important things like ChapStick and Oreos.
“The number you have dialled is not in service.” Bloodclat! This likkle dutty berry gimme a fake phone number. If I ever see she again amma dash way a hot plate of ackee and saltfish right front she face.
As the late fees mounted, I quit going to the circulation desk altogether. Rebecca was never going to return the book.
Because of Lil Butu I lost access to my favourite place on Earth: The library. I spent years slinking between the bookcases like the Ghost of Patrons Past. So much stress and devastation from trying to hide books in the library — all books, not just those covered in lady juices.
I skipped more classes, hoping to run into Rebecca. To make things worse-er-er, I couldn’t even spend detention reading books because I COULDN’T USE MY LIBRARY CARD!
Shout out to the bibliophiles who use bookmarks instead of creating dog ears and those who always return their books when due.
Photo by Elizabeth McQuern
Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com
